Cow Protection League
Posted: Thu Jul 01, 2010 6:20 am
This was in the July 1981 Cactus Clarion. I had to share:
Reno, Nev.—A survey by the United States Department of Agriculture revealed that there are approximately 100 million head of cattle in this country at any given time. Another recent survey, by the United States Habadashers Association, revealed that there are more than 200 million cowboy hats sold in America each year. As everyone knows, the principal responsibility and duty of a cowboy is to boss cattle around. That was all well and good back in the days when the cattle outnumbered the cowboys. Now that nine out of 10 people in America are cowboys, the impact on cattle herds is devastating. With two or three cowboys bossing around each individual cow, the poor animals become confused and disoriented. They get depressed, lose weight and, in general, become stringy and tough. The newly formed Cow Protection League is introducing laws in several state legislatures which would require that anyone posing in advertisements for any product whatsoever (from cologne to automobiles to designer jeans) while wearing a cowboy hat must personally own at least three head of cattle. Additionally, all male models appearing in western wear must have dipped snuff or chewed tobacco for a full 60 days before the advertisement or commercial is photographed or filmed. Finally, the Cow Protection League is seeking a constitutional amendment which would make it a federal offense for anyone to harass or nag a cow which he did not personally own or had not been paid to pester. Should these measures prove effective, the nation might look forward to healthier, less neurotic cows and see a decline in the number of people wearing cowboy hats, thus finding it easier to watch movies in crowded theaters.
-The NEVADIAN
Reno, Nev.—A survey by the United States Department of Agriculture revealed that there are approximately 100 million head of cattle in this country at any given time. Another recent survey, by the United States Habadashers Association, revealed that there are more than 200 million cowboy hats sold in America each year. As everyone knows, the principal responsibility and duty of a cowboy is to boss cattle around. That was all well and good back in the days when the cattle outnumbered the cowboys. Now that nine out of 10 people in America are cowboys, the impact on cattle herds is devastating. With two or three cowboys bossing around each individual cow, the poor animals become confused and disoriented. They get depressed, lose weight and, in general, become stringy and tough. The newly formed Cow Protection League is introducing laws in several state legislatures which would require that anyone posing in advertisements for any product whatsoever (from cologne to automobiles to designer jeans) while wearing a cowboy hat must personally own at least three head of cattle. Additionally, all male models appearing in western wear must have dipped snuff or chewed tobacco for a full 60 days before the advertisement or commercial is photographed or filmed. Finally, the Cow Protection League is seeking a constitutional amendment which would make it a federal offense for anyone to harass or nag a cow which he did not personally own or had not been paid to pester. Should these measures prove effective, the nation might look forward to healthier, less neurotic cows and see a decline in the number of people wearing cowboy hats, thus finding it easier to watch movies in crowded theaters.
-The NEVADIAN